Sunday, June 6, 2010

Tamoxifobia

So, the visit with my oncologist did not go so well. I pretty much cried through the whole thing, which is unfortunate, because it made it difficult to have a rational conversation and get my questions answered - or even asked.

I picked up the prescription, but it's still sitting in my car - I can't even bring myself to bring it in the house yet, nevermind my body. I got permission from my onc to wait until June 17 to start taking it, which is the day after my post-radiation thermogram. I figured if I was already taking the Tamox at the time of the post-radiation thermogram, we wouldn't know if the results of it were due to the absence of radiation or the presence of Tamox. But maybe I'm just thinking up stall tactics.

I cried over the Tamox for a while on Friday, but once I stopped thinking about it and talking about it and totally blocked it from mind, I returned to my HAPPY, HAPPY LIFE.

This is how I spent my weekend -



Partying it up, literally dancing in the streets, with all "my people." I feel so happy, healthy, strong, ALIVE!!! I don't want the Tamoxifen to ruin this!!!

I think I'm developing a Tamoxifen phobia, and probably it won't be nearly as bad as I'm fearing. I've decided to try it for 6 months. If the side effects are unbearable and not decreasing, I'll stop taking it.

The main problem is that I'm not comfortable with my decision. I'm EQUALLY afraid of the consequences of taking the Tamoxifen, as I am of the consequences of not taking it. I have heard so much conflicting information about Tamox that it's overwhelming. For every story of a woman who went through Hell with Tamox and found health only after she quit it in favor of succesful alternative treatments, there is a story of a woman who said no thanks to Tamox and did alternative treatments and got a nasty recurrence of cancer. There are people I trust who think it's extremely important for me to take it, and people I trust who think I'm putting myself in danger by taking it. Bad things can happen if I take it, and bad things can happen if I don't. And I really, really JUST DON'T KNOW what would be right for me.

So I'm just going to try it. I'm not making this decision because I genuinely feel it's the best one, but because I'm so freakin tired of endlessly reading, researching, questioning, weighing my options, ad nauseum and needed to JUST CHOOSE. I'm at the point where I feel like the paralysis of indecision was worse than either choice could be.

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