Wednesday, June 2, 2010


oh, god. hearing my awesome CRT results makes me not want to take tamoxifen. my body is doing sooooo well right now...i'm scared that the tamoxifen (with its side effects) is just going to fuck it all up, and for WHAT?? it's only worth it if i'm actually in serious danger of the cancer coming back, and i really don't feel like i am. this past month has been so great - the first time in HALF A YEAR that i could just be happy and live my life, instead of having to deal with one stupid cancer treatment after another. but now it feels like, "okay, vacation's over," because in 14 hours, i'm meeting with my oncologist and she's going to give me the tamoxifen prescription, and i'm back to taking a stupid anti-cancer pill every day. i hate not knowing what the tamoxifen will be like - e.g. whether i'd feel just fine, or if there would be all kinds of horrible side effects.

i'm feeling scared of the unknown, and resistant, and really ANGRY. not at my oncologist, just the situation.

please don't tell me to take the tamoxifen and don't tell me not to take it. i don't want opinions and advice about that, because i'm overwhelmed by too much already. i'm just venting, because this is the place where i can do that.

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