i wonder if this is some kind of disorder?
i've been thinking, about how i can't stand having anything fake/chemical-y/unnatural in or on my body. i'm not sure how to explain it. but it FREAKS ME OUT. it was yesterday's crown that got me thinking about it all, because there was this moment when the dentist paused to let me rest my mouth for a while and i reached for my tooth with my tongue and felt that there was practically nothing left of it, and that's when i realized i would be getting a FAKE TOOTH, and i could feel the tears starting to press at the back of my face. i took a bunch of deep breaths so i wouldn't cry. because my automatic reaction was to freak out, not so much about the pain or whatever, but about something fake being about to go in my body! i calmed myself down by reminding myself that it's a good thing, it's a fake tooth but it will help me eat/has a great purpose, so it's GOOD.
but that got me thinking again about how i almost chose to have a bilateral mastectomy, and how upset i was by all the people who assumed i'd get reconstructed breasts afterwards or kept asking me about that, because i so strongly would rather be flat-chested than have FAKE breasts. i would never ever put myself through dangerous, painful, medically-unnecessary surgeries to get fake breasts that would essentially just be for appearance's sake, since they wouldn't have feeling.
my inability to have anything fake in or on my body reaches far. i hated my braces so much when i was a teenager, again, not because they were painful, but because they were fake - i have journal entries about this. i hated having this metal/foreign substance in me 24/7 for years, and when i finally got the braces off, i was SO SO HAPPY and relieved that i cried so hard on the way home i had to pull off the road!! i do not wear make up or jewelry, have no tattoos or piercings, use only natural soap/shampoo/toothpaste/etc, resist medicine as much as i can, etc. i only wear shoes when i absolutely have to, and have for years been known as the barefoot girl - i even went to classes barefoot in college, until the first frost every year. my favorite place to be is the michigan womyn's music festival, where i wear nothing but underwear, as much as the weather allows for that. i have never done drugs, or smoked, or had an alcoholic drink. i think i've dyed my hair maybe 3 times total in my life, and that was years ago, and it was temporary.
i wonder why i'm like this. the exception to all of this is being in costume - that, i love. but in my normal daily life, i really can't stand anything unnatural in or on me, and it's not a conscious thing, really... it's just...the way i am. yet another one of the ways in which i'm really weird. i'm just hoping that i don't end up needing, like, dentures and a hip replacement someday, and freaking the hell out!! this also partially explains why radiation has been so emotionally unbearable for me - i feel like it's this invisible monster invading my body...something horrible going into my body that really really shouldn't be there.