So this morning I had to drive 30 mins to go pee in a cup to prove that I, a currently-menstruating lesbian, am not pregnant.
I arrived at the oncology office and was greeted by E, the manager of the clinical trial I'm on (which requires the pregnancy test). We walked upstairs.
E: "How are you?"
Me: "Good, except I peed before I left the house, just out of habit, and now I have to drink lots more coffee so that I can pee again!"
Me: "I like your skirt!"
Me: "I like polka dots!"
E: "Me too! I don't really wear polka dots every day, though, even though I've been wearing them every time you've seen me!"
Me: "You SHOULD wear polka dots every time I see you."
Then I sit in the waiting room and take continuous sips of the rest of my 16-oz coffee while E waits patiently behind the reception desk and glances over at me every few minutes to see how close I am to finishing my coffee. I look at the table full of magazines and stuff next to me, and notice that the cardboard stand-up display staring me in the face is for "HAPPY FEET" - every woman with ovarian cancer is eligible to receive a free pair of sparkly, slip-on jelly shoes jeweled with Swarovski crystals. I snort and choke slightly on my coffee and have to turn the display to face the other way, before I lose it entirely. Hey, it sucks that you have cancer, but you'll feel better when you have Disney Princess feet!! Check out the website - the program's rationale is, "These women have already paid a heavy price, and we would like to help them feel comfortable in their returns to health." Plastic jellies, comfortable?? They're so NOT. And do men with prostate cancer receive free pairs of shiny penny loafers to keep their tootsies happy, too?? OH THE ABSURDITY.
A few minutes later, I announce that I am ready to try and pee. E brings me into the bathroom.
E: "Here's the jar, and here's the wipe."
I look at the packaged wipe with confusion. It looks like one of those "moist towelette" thingies seafood restaurants give you when you order lobster.
Me: "I'm so sorry to have to ask this, but what exactly is the wipe for?? Do I wipe the jar off with it??"
E: "No, you wipe yourself with it."
Me: "And then...put it in the jar??"
E: "No, in the trash."
Me: "Do I wipe before or after I pee?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I clearly have not had to do this many times before!!"
Then she left, I peed, and went out to give her the jar of my inch of coffee-induced pee. I was giggling.
E: "It's okay, don't be embarrassed! We're used to pee around here!"
I was more giggling at the absurdity of the whole situation, but yeah...
Now I'm feeling rather nauseated, after having guzzled 16 oz. of coffee after having had nothing but curried cashews for breakfast.