I am so sick of cancer taking up so much of my time and energy. I have lots of examples of this, but today it is:
I was woken up by a confusing/anxiety-producing phone call by the hospital, and now I'm struggling to not let it throw my whole day off. Already, I have spent over an hour calming myself down by posting the whole story in BC forums to get advice from other BC survivors. Which means I don't want to detail the whole thing here, too, because it will just eat up even more of my day, dammit.
But the gist of it is - I was woken up this morning by some random person from the hospital whom I've never spoken to, asking me, "Do you know when you're starting with Dr. so-and-so and Dr. so-and-so at [cancer center closer to my home], so we can schedule those appointments?" Um, what?? I wasn't fully awake and had to ask who those doctors are. She was referring to the radiation oncologist and the medical oncologist. No, I don't know when I'm starting radiation...why would I know? It's not up to me to just pick a date, is it?? I thought K would be telling me that at my two-week follow-up visit after surgery. And as for the medical oncologist... I stupidly had to ask what that person is FOR, and the woman on the phone told me s/he would be talking with me about whether or not chemo/hormone therapy/etc. is recommended. And that freaked me the hell out... what a way to wake up. I've been strongly anti-chemo from the start, to the point where I nearly cried when K mentioned it as a possibility. That was a month and a half ago, and she hasn't mentioned the topic since. And now I'm feeling like, NO NO NO, I don't want to make an appointment with some stranger to talk about chemo, when I haven't even had the re-excision yet... I have been trying to just focus on taking things one step at a time, and right now the next step is the re-excision, and healing from that.
I was so flustered and confused on the phone that the woman ended up saying she'll have K call me to talk about this stuff first, before we attempt to schedule the appointments. And now I'm left wondering if I'm just being a "difficult" patient. Maybe the problem is really that I'm too attached to/dependent on K?? She's the one I know and trust, the one who's been with me on the journey thus far...maybe subconsciously I've stupidly been wishing she could be my "everything" doctor, when really, she's just my surgeon. Maybe the purpose of the 2-week follow-up visit is really just so she can say "Yup, your incisions are healing well!" and send me on my way, and it really is the medical oncologist and radiation oncologist that I need to be having the "Where do I go from here?" conversations with. But dammit I don't want to. I can't see how some STRANGER would be able to convince me to consider chemo. I don't know if K herself could even convince me to consider chemo, but at least I'd listen to what she had to say. Argh, am I just being a baby?? I feel like I need K to shove me out of the nest if that's the way it's gotta be, because there's no way I can bring myself to jump.