Saturday, November 14, 2009

Day 6, anxiety & random babbling

Oh, I am a big jumble right now.

On the one hand, I am feeling the happiest and calmest I have felt since being diagnosed 6 days ago. Yesterday, while I was driving, I had a super strong, overwhelming feeling that I AM GOING TO BE JUST FINE. I knew it so completely that I immediately started crying with relief.

At the same time, it doesn't mean I'm not scared anymore or won't have to go through awful things. It's just that that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!! I know that I will be okay at the end of all of this, but I'm still scared to go through it! So many fears keep zipping through my mind, some "legitimate," some irrational...I am feeling scared of needles, and of suddenly waking up in the middle of surgery because the anesthesiologist is zoning out, and of having cancer in some other part of my body that I don't know about because it's never been checked/tested, and of my house burning down (?! WTF?? That has nothing to do with BC!), and of those "extremely rare" side effects of radiation therapy like LEUKEMIA or HEART INJURY (I read it on some website), and of having to quit work and going broke, and of nasty chemicals that are everywhere and unavoidable - in the water, air, and soil.

I'm also worried about my weight. My pants are getting loose in the waist. Some women are going to hate me for saying this, but - I only weigh about 115 lbs. right now and I seriously cannot afford to lose any weight!!! For approximately the past 15 years, my weight has been stable without me needing to consciously do anything. That is, I've neither attempted to gain weight nor to lose weight, because I haven't had to. But lately I have not had much of an appetite, which is rare for me. I love food. But lately... I keep forgetting to eat. Sometimes it takes me hours to remember that I should make myself eat breakfast. And I'm feeling picky and stubborn with food. Tonight THE ONLY THING I wanted to eat for dinner was spaghetti with butter, tomato sauce, meatless meatballs (YES I KNOW I should be avoiding soy!), parmesan cheese, and crushed pineapple. Nevermind that I didn't have a single one of those ingredients other than butter and had to go out and buy all of them in a rainstorm... it's all I wanted. Also in the past 2 days I have eaten nearly a whole batch of choc./PB "no-bake" cookies, which uses an ENTIRE stick of butter... but whatever.

It's funny, a few weeks ago, before I was diagnosed with BC, I intuitively started eating a super healthy, immune-boosting diet - I was eating a clove of garlic every day, and having miso seaweed soup for lunch every day, drinking that nasty ginger-lemon-garlic-apple cider concoction from the Co op, doubling my Juice Plus intake, and I even started eating tuna after being vegetarian for about 9 years, because I had this feeling I needed more Vitamin D and Omega-3s RIGHT AWAY. It was great that I was doing all of that stuff. So why am I now spending half the day not eating then stuffing myself with gluten-y, butter-y comfort foods?? Sigh.

I need to gain some weight. At least a few pounds. And you know, I was reading the breast cancer handbook that they gave me at the hospital, and it's full of stuff that doesn't apply to me and thus I probably should not even be reading because it just scares me unnecessarily. But there's this whole section on all of the different ways to get breast reconstruction surgery, and it's all this stuff about how new breasts can be created using your own stomach fat, or back or abdominal muscles and stuff, and that scares the crap out of me. I don't have enough stomach fat to create breasts, and I certainly don't want to give up MUSCLE!!! HELLO!! MUSCLES ARE IMPORTANT!!! Especially for trapeze!! Muscles are certainly more important to me than BREASTS. If I had to have my breasts chopped off, fine, I'll be boob-less. Having a flat chest would even make basing the volcano so much easier, because the flyer wouldn't kick me in the boobs anymore! (Doubles trapeze talk - only a few of you are gonna understand that!) I'd rather be boob-less than have my muscles weakened! But all of that is irrelevant because I'm not gonna need a double mastectomy! Sheesh.

I forget what else I was going to write about.


  1. you can have my stomach fat!!! i can give you a D cup!


  2. Oh, Steph. :) Can you IMAGINE if my new breasts were made of your stomach?? That would be so funny. Or maybe my sense of humor is just really warped right now. I wonder if they really do that, let friends or family members donate muscle or fat for the construction of new breasts, the way you can donate a kidney or something. OMG. And I've been reading that sometimes even if you get new breasts, they can't add the nipples for THREE OR FOUR MONTHS. Maybe even longer. It would be so strange to have breasts without nipples!