Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Overwhelmed

I have now known for a day and a half, that I have breast cancer. I am feeling SO OVERWHELMED by everything that I don't even know where to start.

I don't even know what to start writing about! Should I give an overview of the factual things that I know about my pathology report? Should I write about all the wonderful support I've been receiving from friends and family? Or babble about all of my fears? Or ponder the treatment options?

Should I be posting on the message boards of the Young Survivor's Coalition, or Googling the most recent cancer books, or calling my health insurance company, or paying the electric bill, or sending flowers to the physician who found the lump in my breast, or forgetting about it all and watching the Gilmore Girls? Should I be researching the cancer specialists in VT, or calling one of the dozens of phone numbers friends have given me of friends/relatives who have also survived cancer, or reading the breast cancer handbook that the surgeon gave me, or emailing my employers to figure out my work schedule, or returning people's phone calls and emails of support? Should I be asking my Green Witch friends for herbal advice, or going to my mom's homeopathist, or calling the hospital again to ask when my MRI appointment is, or stocking up on miso soup and garlic? Should I be adding graphics to my blog, or trying to take a nap, or calling the hospital to have my tissue sample sent to another pathologist for a second opinion? Should I be asking my friends or family to look at this list and tell me what to do, and who should I be listening to? Should I just do some yoga and meditate for a while and ask Spirit for guidance, or should I be doing the meeting minutes, or cleaning the litter box, or setting up an appointment with my "patient advocate" to ask her what grade of cancer I have and what a sentinel node sampling procedure is like? Should I be thinking ahead to the month and a half when I'll probably need daily radiation treatments in Keene and start searching now for someone to sublet my room for that time while I stay in Keene, or should I be calling about that part-time job offer I received last week, or should I be soaking in a relaxing bath, or buying a new water filter so I'm not drinking tap water, or practicing saying the words "I have breast cancer" out loud so eventually I can say it without crying?

I AM SO OVERWHELMED. There is so much to be done and I don't know where to begin.

5 comments:

  1. you're super strong <3

    seriously feel free to pass some of this load off on me. i can make phone calls or clean maru's poopbox or run errands for you or whatever. GIVE ME TASKS!

    also, you don't have to figure all of this out over night. make sure you take time to sit still & breathe. take it one step at a time. xo

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  2. I just heard from your mom, and she sent this link. Sending you love and hugs from here, especially from Jonah, who was always so sure you belonged specifically to him. And who is 9 now. Let us know if there's anything material we can do, besides the spiritual love.

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  3. Thank you Sue, Melissa, Andee, Jill!!
    Jill, I can't believe Jonah is 9. WOW! I have fond memories of our times together. :)

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