Thursday, November 19, 2009

Day 11. Grrrr.

You know what, I am sick of dealing with cancer. Today I am feeling frustrated because I feel like cancer has taken center stage in my life, and I don't want it that way. I don't WANT BC to be the focus of my life right now. In some way it has to be, so that I can get it OUT OF ME as quickly, safely, completely, and painlessly as possible. But I feel like I'm living in a bubble right now. I feel so "out of the loop" in terms of things like what's going on in my friends' and family members' lives, what's going on in the rest of the world, etc. I haven't been following the news AT ALL - I have no time to read the news, and every time I turn on NPR my mind starts drifting within about 30 seconds and I have to turn it off. Most conversations I've been having with friends and family lately are mostly about BC - how I'm feeling, what the next steps are, the details of what's going on, etc. I wish we didn't have to be talking about BC. I don't mean that in the "distract me from my troubles by talking about something else, please!" kind of way... I mean I wish I didn't have BC at all so it wouldn't even be a relevant topic of conversation.

I want to just FORGET about the BC and stop having to talk about it, read about it, schedule appointments, go to appointments, blah blah. I just want to go back to the way things were 2 weeks ago. I know I can't. This is just my inner 5 year old talking.

I CAN'T ignore the BC right now because I have to:
- make a thank you card for the doc who found the lump
- ask said doc for a referral to the naturopathic clinic so that my insurance will hopefully cover it
- read the information said clinic just sent me in the mail, and complete the enclosed paperwork
- follow up with Dr. R's office to make sure my MRI results get sent to the new hospital
- talk with people for more advice on how/what to tell the children I'm currently working with, about how long I'll have to miss work and why
- research more about what changes I could be making to my diet and lifestyle to stay as healthy as possible, since staying as healthy right now will help me heal quickly and easily from surgery and radiation.
- Call my insurance company to ask for more specifics about what they'll cover and what I need to do to make sure things are covered, because I still haven't talked with anyone from my insurance company since this whole thing started and that makes me worried
- etc.

So those are BC-related things that I have to focus on and do. Theoretically, I could just do those things and then go back to ignoring the BC while focusing on other things instead. But it's hard! It's HARD not to think about and talk about BC! And my focus on BC will only INCREASE once I've actually had surgery and have to stay home and recover and really can't do trapeze and then need radiation for a freakin MONTH AND A HALF. I am pissed off at the BC for taking up so much of my time, energy, and focus.

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