Monday, November 23, 2009

Ambivalence

Oh, why am I such a jumble?!?!
Now my thoughts are going to the opposite extreme: what if I don't even really need radiation?? What if I could get by with just the simple lumpectomy? I only have this tiny, tiny, early stage, very well-defined tumor that I think could easily be removed with clear margins. I have the "good" kind of cancer, even though that's an oxymoron - cribriform mucinous carcinoma is very slow-growing and unlikely to spread. It's quite possible that it could just stay in me and NEVER grow large enough to really harm me... or it could even just dissolve on its own. Of course, now that I'm aware of its presence, I can't take the risk of letting it be. I do have to have it removed from my body. But if it's so small and encapsulated and not spreading and can be surgically removed with clear margins, I DO wonder if the 6 weeks of radiation is truly necessary.

Oh, I'm so impatient to meet with the oncology team. I have so many questions. I want to know what the risks of radiation are, vs. the benefits.

It's interesting that the cancer is in a part of my body that I have the option of removing, you know? If there was cancer in my brain or lungs, for example, I could not just have my brain or lungs removed! But I could have my breasts removed without my health suffering or losing any of my body's abilities and functions. That's pretty amazing. Having cancer SUCKS, but wow, thank Goddess it's in a part of my body I could afford to lose if necessary.

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